January Blahs, 3 Tips for Coping Now

Like it or not, the December holidays are over. And you have somehow survived, hopefully more or less intact. Many families of those with eating disorders and other mental health challenges are still reeling and trying to help loved ones. Many of you have had college students come home doing very poorly mentally and physically and in need of a higher level of care.

Treatment centers have waiting lists this time of year…that says a lot. And can add to the stress.

One of the most helpful actions family caregivers can take is to fill oneself up. Sounds counterintuitive I know. AND, I’ve seen the difference it makes over and over with myself and my clients.

So, here are my 3 Tips for Coping Now

1. Listen to a meditation on grief (there are so many losses…) https://youtu.be/D42dK8nt_rE
2. Take action to find the proper treatment for your loved one – action can help with the helplessness and can help your loved one.
3. AND THEN, take time to fill YOU UP. Take a day if you can to do things just for you.​

If any of you are in the Twin Cities and are divorced or divorcing you are welcome to attend my presentation this coming Tuesday at the Ridgedale YMCA where I will be presenting on “Creating a Hope Filled Perspective” at Barb Greenberg’s “Rediscovering U” class. You can register here. https://rediscoveringu.com/product/creating-hope-filled-perspective/?fbclid=IwAR16yVs-avDoA8FBKDExNypUtgiCTy6sEhsF7OqOkAofNFg7B1AmO-KdkDc

Cheers to a wonderful new year of including YOU on your TO DO list. 🙂

1. Get enough sleep
2. Let enough be enough
3. Focus on gratitude to help stop worry
4. Consciously choose to give your presence rather than presents
5. Plan for a non-traditional holiday
6. Schedule sessions with your loved one’s treatment team for while they are home
7. Say “No” to unnecessary and/or unenjoyable activities
8. Say “Yes” to simplicity
9. Spend time in nature
10. Plan enjoyable movement at regular intervals
11. Breathe consciously, try videos on my YouTube Channel
12. Take a nap
13. Watch a movie
14. Take time for your hobby
15. Use essential oils to feel calm, lavender on a pillow can help with sleep

15 Parent/Caregiver tools to support a loved one in recovery more directly:

1. Plan Structure for meals & time – this may entail help of the team
2. Discuss all plans ahead of time
3. Plan ahead for being with people who might be triggering or say triggering things
4. Recovery totem – when triggering things come up
5. Take focus off food – this needs to be intentional
6. Offer distractions during and after a meal: play a game, take a walk, watch a movie, keep the conversation going.
7. Encourage your loved one to have their meal prior to attending an event so that triggers are limited
8. Brainstorm on self-care tools and create a list
9. Keep your expectations in check, this is a very challenging time
10. Find time for simply being present with your loved one
11. Ask how you can best support them during the change in routine
12. Remember to separate your loved one from the eating disorder
13. If you see major changes, contact the treatment team
14. Use this as a time to assess how your college student’s recovery is going
15. Be prepared to set healthy boundaries around money and other privileges

For some, it also helps to be engaged in conversation throughout the meals, as it is all too easy for a person who struggles to get stuck in their heads and eating disorder thoughts.

While it is important not to be the “food police” during the holidays, it is also important to watch for eating disorder symptoms, such as restricting food intake, or purging after eating.  If these symptoms are noticed, it is important to approach the person with the eating disorder to express concern in a constructive way (see my tips on communication) as to help the person decrease symptom use.

While the holidays are a time for celebration, it is also key to remember that those with eating disorders may be having a particularly hard time.  Using these tips may be a helpful way to guide your loved one through this stressful time.

For the majority, the holiday season is a time for family and joy.  However, for those with eating disorders, it can be one of the most stressful times of the year.  Thanksgiving, which typically revolves around food (like my favorite Scandinavian treat – Lefse) and eating, can be particularly triggering to sufferers.  It can fill them with anxiety over the food, how much they think they will have to eat, whether or not their family will be “watching” them for eating disorder symptoms, and weight and calories.  These anxieties, which are normally troublesome for those who struggle, are usually escalated during the holiday season.

Instead of focusing on time spent with family and loved ones, it is all too easy for sufferers to turn their focus to food.  It could be that they are expected to snack all day, rather than sticking to the three meals and two to three snacks that are recommended by professionals.  This can cause undue anxiety, as it may be an upset to their eating schedule.

So what are some ways to deal with the holiday stress?  As a family member or loved one of someone with an eating disorder, here are four tips:
1. Try to take the focus off of the food.
2. Keep your loved one engaged in conversation throughout the meals.
3. Plan ahead to offer distractions during and after a meal.
4. Have a list of ideas for after the meals: play a game, go on a short leisurely walk, watch a movie or a TV show, or keep the conversation going.

While it is important not to be the “food police” during the holidays, it is also important to watch for eating disorder symptoms, such as restricting food intake, or purging after eating.  If these symptoms are noticed, it is important to approach the person with the eating disorder to express concern in a constructive way as to help the person decrease symptom use.

While the holidays are a time for celebration, it is also key to remember that those with eating disorders may be having a particularly hard time.  Using these tips may be a helpful way to guide your loved one through this stressful time.

When caregivers have our oxygen masks on and have been practicing loads of self care, we can be like the momma bear in this video who patiently waits for and believes in her cub. It’s so tempting when our loved ones in recovery are heading back down the very slippery slope of eating disorders to go down after them. This bear knew her cub could do it. When the cub got close she tries to reach out to help but does not go back down the slope. When we are depleted, it’s much harder to watch them slide down over and over again. When we are filled up, we have more capacity to use tools for coping and can believe in them.

Animals often have more innate wisdom than humans and know they need to reserve their energy and it wouldn’t serve the cub for momma to use up all that energy to go back down and rescue it. Plus, she believes in the cub’s capacity to climb. It’s hard for us to believe in our loved one’s when they’re being held hostage by ed and often acting out and behaving in ways that are sabotaging their recovery. AND…we need to believe in their capacity. We need to show them that we will believe in recovery for them until they can believe in it for themselves.

YES! It is hard to watch them slip back down the slippery slope time and time again. AND…we can stand at the top of the hill guiding them toward recovery. If we go down the slope with them, we will wear ourselves out trying to drag them up the hill and they will feel like failures for not being able to do it.

Notice momma bear is not ranting, raving or wringing her hands. She paces back and forth a bit and yet she stays at the top of the mountain showing her cub the way. And believing in her cub. She isn’t abandoning. She is keeping very close watch.

It can feel like we are abandoning our loved one when we don’t rescue. It is actually giving them the greatest gift we can give them, our belief in them. That means we have to manage our own feelings of distress which is not possible if we are not practicing self care.

What will you take away from watching this momma bear?

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