It’s common for family caregivers to get stuck wondering, “What did I do wrong?” And there isn’t a simple or quick solution. In the beginning when getting a loved one stabilized is of utmost importance, this takes a back seat, some would say it is relevent. Many families have found it to be very effective to address at some point, what may have contributed to the eating disorder so that patterns can be changed to help maintain long term recovery.
For families who may be walking a fine line between; working on their own parallel process, not enabling, loving unconditionally, supporting recovery, setting and following through on boundaries, dealing with the finances of paying for treatment, etc, etc, etc, there comes a time when they need help to sort out, the “What did I do Wrong” cycle that they often get stuck in.
Being told to; “Let it go” or “Lay it down” sounds good on paper AND it is very complex to sort out how to do in real life. Doing family therapy can be one route to sorting out patterns and finding new ways to do things. Parents and other caregivers need support to gently look at what their person may need done differently.
A few examples of what may need to be let go of are:
- Expectations
- Traditions
- Dreams
Those can be some pretty painful pieces to let go of and/or lay down, and how does one even go about that? Accepting what is can be a doorway in.
Today I’m sharing information from two leading experts on this topic. First I’ll introduce you to the work of Marsha Linehan by looking at this question:
What exactly is Radical Acceptance? It is a Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) Distress Tolerance skill developed by Marsha Linehan. It’s designed to help us reduce our suffering from our overwhelming emotions. This is a distraction tool that can allow us to make a decision that serves us much better than fretting, being scared, angry or frustrated.
We only have to accept the moment we are in, we can still try to change 
things going forward. It does not mean we have to like the situation, stop trying to change it or give up.
“We have to radically accept that we want something we don’t have and it’s not a catastrophe.” Marsha Linehan
Some Radical Acceptance Tools to try for accepting events that are very distressing:
- Think of the event and acknowledge the facts of the situation.
- Notice, name and allow all the feelings about the event/situation.
- Notice where you feel the emotions in your body.
- Using mantras to state what is true.
- Using mindfulness skills.
These are but a few of the tools and skills that one can learn from DBT to help reduce suffering, worry, ruminating and anxiety about painful situations.
The next expert I’d like to share with you on this topic is Tara Brach, PhD, the author of, “Radical Acceptance; Embracing Your Life With the Heart of a Buddha” in which she shares her tools for reducing shame and fear so we can be more fully alive. You can read more about Tara Brach and her teachings of mindfulness and self compassion here on her website. There are classes, free downloads, links to many resources in so many formats.
When things are really rough, and there is not much, if anything that I can do to change the situation, I like using her simple tool for practicing mindfulness and self compassion that she calls RAIN:
- Recognize what is happening;
- Allow the experience to be there, just as it is;
- Investigate with interest and care;
- Nurture with self-compassion.
It has been my experience that when parents and other family caregivers get the support they need, they’re able to be more effective caregivers for their loved one with an eating disorder. And, the treatment outcomes improve.
Together, we are finally giving family caregivers the tools that they need to help support loved ones in recovery during the times of day that they’re not in treatment.
